Day 2

Today is a great day! I get to meet my new cousin Caleb Joshua! Here is the first pic, and I will post more when I get back!

Day 1

Today I wanted to explain myself a bit... I want this blog to be more of an experiment than me ranting on about how I feel about myself. I would like all of you to tell me what you think is beautiful, and what you struggle with. Come on, be brave! Anyway, today I experienced some true beauty, and I wanted to share it with you:

After my boss left for work, Avery and I began the day together. I got her dressed and sat her on the bed while I folded her laundry. She played and cooed and laughed and I folded. Simple everyday stuff, right? Maybe, but to me it made my day. She is so amazing and I enjoy even the most simplest things with her. She makes me feel beautiful. :)

Just the Beginning...

Insecurity. It is a word that I know that most women are familiar with. It is a word that not only fits our descriptions of ourselves, but for some of us it haunts our lives. It manifests itself in numerous forms: weight, physical features, power, security, etc. If I am to be honest, then I have to admit that I have sized up a few women in my day based on looks, personality, morals and oh so many other ways. However, after a few life changes I am beginning to realize my own insecurities. The main questions I find asking myself, God, and the people in my life is "Do you think I am beautiful?" and "Am I worthy?". As of now I am unsure exactly why these questions surface up in my heart like a bouy does with you throw it in an ocean. These are questions I try to stuff way down deep in the darkest part of the ocean of my heart. But, alas, bouys do not sink and no matter how hard you throw them down, they always manage to come back up again.

As a result, I have decided to go on my own journey to discover true beauty and reasons for insecurity not only in myself, but in the lives of other women I know. Most of the time, for me, my greatest discoveries are through typed or handwritten letters to God. So, that is the format I plan on using. Please feel free to comment and give your own ideas on the subject. Thanks and love you all.

SO many things have happened over the past six months. I have lost my grandfather, uncle, and aunt, and now it seems I may have lost my Mitchell. Today I came home from work and browsed through some of my pictures from all the happenings since April. I realize now it is alot. Weddings, funerals, parties, break-ups, a big move, losing a job, finding a job, changing churches... just thinking about it overwhelms me. I wonder if all of it has really sunk in. It just goes to show you that life keeps on going whether you are ready for it or not. I am just glad my DADDY is always here to go through it all with me. I have no idea what to expect next, but I do have a peace that He will take care of me. Lately all I have wanted to do is sit and think about things. Nothing seems to be the same as it was six months ago.

Today is a melancholy day. Rainy with thoughts of him on my mind, wondering where I should go from here. I have no complaints. My life is full. I just wonder what my next move should be. I wonder where God is taking me. I wonder if he will ever call or if he is gone forever. Right now relationships seem fleeting and so do some of the people in my life. Here for a year, but gone in a second. I just need some time to think. I just need some time to soak it all in. I just need some Jesus.

The inifinite abyss in the mind...

Have you ever felt lost? Have you ever looked at the person to the right or the left of you and wondered how they have it all together and you don't? I have spent the greater part of my life asking myself this question. There have been times when I felt all was right with the world or at least myself, but those moments are few and far between. I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I wonder if I am following what God has planned for me. I even wonder sometimes if I am wasting God's time. I realize that I only have this one life to live. I only have today, and I want to live it to the best of my ability. The problem is that I don't know what that means. What do I need to do in a day to be able to say I pleased God? Witness to someone? Work really hard at my job? Have my quiet time? I allow these questions to burn holes into my brain until I start to go crazy. I begin to panic thinking that I may have made a wrong choice here or a wrong turn there. But somehow He always manages to remind me that I cannot do anything to please him. "He knows how I am formed, He remembers I am dust...." I am a speck on a speck on a speck on a speck in this massive piece of creation called Earth. I can find my self on Google maps and zoom out realizing that within a few clicks I am invisible. There is nothing about me that is special. There is nothing that separates me from Joe or Suzie or even Bob for that matter. Its like his Word says... "I am dust...." But the think is He loves me anyway. He loves me because he created me. It is kind of like when you were little and drew that picture for your mommy in art class. It looked just like everyone else's in the room, but you loved it just the same because you created it. You know everything there is to know about those people you drew. You know all the memories that have been made in that house behind your family portrait, and you know that the picture you created will make your mommy and daddy smile. God created me. I wasn't some cosmic error, a product of a bang, or some coincidental accident. I was planned long before the earth was even created. I was planned when Jesus died for me, and I was planned when my mommy and daddy were married. I may be a speck on this earth or even a speck on a speck on a speck on a speck. But one thing still rings true... God cherishes me. He is always here with me and He always will be even if I do get lost in that infinite abyss in my mind.

It's the boring things in life that always seem most important...

It is nice to blog. This is something I have forgotten over the past six months, but realized today I needed to get back to it. I want to tell you my stories. Here is one you might enjoy:


Last night my boyfriend and I decided to go to a late movie. The movie itself, Up, was nothing short of inspiring and I highly recommend it to everyone. Anyway, we came in separate cars and once we got back into the parking lot I followed him back to my house. I rolled down the windows and blasted some praise and worship music. It was the perfect night for this. As we drove the 25 minutes back to my house, I just let my mind wander. I thought about how great it was to spend this night with him. I thought about how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family, and I thought about how incredible it is to have a God that loves me so much. Then, I thought about him, the one in front of me, the one I am spending my life with. I thought about the stress in his life now, and all he has been through. Then something incredible happened. He rolled down his windows, and stuck his hand out to feel the wind pass by. Moving it though the air, I could tell he had a great night too and was truly enjoying something as simple as sticking his hand out the window. When I saw this from behind his car, I was touched to the point of tears. It may sound silly to someone who does not know him, but for me this was huge. It astonished me that someone who has lived though so many hard times is able to just enjoy the simple things. He is someone who "gets it". He never takes a second for granted, and always seems genuinely thankful for the company he keeps. To him every second is precious, and although he may have his moments like we all do, he truly loves life. So, as I watched him drive through the cool night feeling the wind on his hand and face I thought to myself, "My cup runs over".

Today was a great day. Have you ever had a day full of nothing special but left you feeling really good? Well today was one of those days. I really enjoyed my kids today, I got to spend time with a friend, went shopping, and now I am doing laundry and listening to Shane and Shane. Life is good. Simple and good. I hope all of you are well also.


Love,

Katie