INVINCIBLE

Today was a rough day. It was one of those days where you wake up in the morning and none of your clothes look good on, you feel ugly, and you can't seem to do anything right. This is how my day started, and it just continued to get worse from there. Instead of my mood improving I became more and more frustrated because of a series of events that just seemed to keep falling on me like dominoes. When it rains... it pours.... As I grow and mature I am beginning to see the validity in this saying. By the end of the work day I was crying, and not just tears, but the ugly cry. It wasn't any certain event, but it was the compilation of how I was feeling about myself and everything else that had happened. Although I was experiencing a breakdown, work continued and life kept moving despite the fact that all I wanted to do was go home and go back to bed. I do not know what God was trying to teach me out of this, but I do know I learned something. It may sound ridiculous, but I learned that I am not invincible. Sometimes I vainly think that nothing bad could ever happen to me, and today it did. I have been humbled.....

A pretty box with ribbon and bows...

There is nothing more beautiful than a pretty box tied with ribbons and bows under a Christmas tree. It symbolizes love, friendship, sacrifice, and life wonderfully packaged as a gift. My life however is not a pretty box, but I spend my days trying to morph my thoughts, beliefs, looks, my entire life into that box. For some reason I feel like I need to do everything a certain way, look a certain way, feel a certain way, and act a certain way... my version of perfection. However, no matter how hard I try there is no part of my life that will fit the mold of the pretty box I hold in my mind. I am never ahead of my to-do list, I am not a model, I do not "feel" like I should, and I do not act the way I am suppose to. I am not normal. Then..... I wonder..... does the truth I have in my head about how I should be match the truth in my heart of who I actually am? I know it doesn't. I will never be 5'10, my house will never stay completely organized, and I will constantly do the things I do not want to do. Up until this exact moment I allowed these thoughts to consume my mind. But then I realized something. That is all they are... thoughts. Just stupid, useless, heartbreaking thoughts that hold my life in captivity. Its time to feast eternally on the living word, to take in the real truth of my life and not what I perceive myself to be, or hope that I will become. It is time to throw my pretty box with ribbon and bows away and replace it with the beaten and ugly hands of Grace.

Here, There, and Everywhere

Over the years these girls have grown to be sisters to me. I love them all dearly. I am beginning to come to the realization that they will not be around forever. Marriages, children, new jobs, mission trips, are all pulling us in different directions. It is a hard fact to face, and I often find myself avoiding the issue entirely. I just cannot imagine my life without them. I realize that God will bring new people into my life, but there is something about old friends. Seeing them is like going home after you have been away for a long time. They are familiar and they know me almost better than I know myself. Each one of them is amazingly unique and brings wonderful blessings to our group. We will always be friends, but it is different now. Girls nights are becoming fewer and fewer, and everyone seems to be moving on. I am moving forward as well, but my heart is still with them all. I miss them beyond words, and somedays I find myself yearning for their companionship. I think living alone has given me the chance to be more reflective about my life, and it also creates a sense of loneliness and longing for them, my girls, my friends, my sisters. Look at the picture into the eyes and hearts of each one and you might see my heart there. They are the ones that led me to Christ, challenged my spirit, and changed my life. It is because of them that I am who I am. They are a part of me and losing them requires me to lose a part of myself. This I am not ready for. I do not want to let go. What a harsh and cruel fact of life this is. I have known for a while this time would come, but it seems to soon. I guess now is the time for choices. Either hold on as tightly as I can, or let them go. Holding on right now seems like an impossible task, and letting them go is to painful. Maybe this decision will have to wait. It will have to wait for Megan's baby to arrive, for Lauren and Brooke to board the plane for Spain, for Ashley to become famous, for Liz to move away, and for all the rest to find new lives. Just thinking about this time brings a terrible sting to my eyes and an ache in my heart. Where do I go from here? What do I do?

Fallin asleep to the sound of stars shooting round the moon. But I cant watch them fly tonight baby...Im to busy watching you. I guess your smile is the Son's way of lighting up whats dark. So shine, shine, shine for me baby. It only takes a spark.

~Matt Wertz
This is what I am looking for.

WOW

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=152b5103d741aca61093

Well I did it. I have finally completed my masters. Today I wrote my final paper, and now all that is left is my portfolio. Although the weeks seemed to go by very slowly, I also feel like the time went by quickly. I now can say I am a master at teaching children how to read.... HOW COOL IS THAT!?! I feel like I should be celebrating but I am not quite sure how to celebrate for this accomplishment..... any ideas?

assisted living and waffle house.

Today has been an interesting day full of various emotions. I never thought that an assisted living home would be a place of comic relief. In my mind assisted living means you are almost to the jumping off point. In fact I thought of it as one of the most depressing places a person can go. However, it just isn't so.  There is something comical to me about the dining hall in this place. Today my cousin and I went to see my grandfather before lunch. Eventually one of the nurses came in and told us it was time to eat. So, Grandfather, Jess, and I all walk to the elevator to go downstairs to the dining hall. Ok. I want you to think about this. An elevator? I mean those doors close pretty fast. How in the world is a person with a walker suppose to make it out of an elevator in one piece? Sometimes I cannot even make it out of an elevator without it nearly cutting off one of my limbs! Well, Jessica and I must have had the same thought because she immediately put her hand in front of the door to keep it from closing. An act, although thoughtful, was completely unnecessary. They have programmed the elevator to stay open for what seems like an eternity! Hahaha. I mean I think I could have left the elevator and ran a lap around the building before that door would have closed on me.  Anyway, after we got of the elevator we walk into the dining hall. And we were a bit late because we had been visiting. As soon as we walk in they all start to talk. Who are they? Why are they here? It was as if visitors determined your popularity at this place. Then I saw it. The line of walkers parked up against the wall. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing. Every person walks in and parks their walker like they are going to a drive in moving before they sit down. But it gets better. They say birds of a feather flock together, well this could not be more true of Grandfather's dining posse. There are about seven of them that all sit at the same table. Grandfather, who has dementia, along with three other males who also have dementia. There is also a blind women with a mind as sharp as a tack and a man that mumbles every word he says. Here is the conversation (and keep in mind my grandfather is a former reverend with a VERY dry personality and completely straight laced):

Grandfather: (completely and obviously bragging) These are my beautiful granddaughters. They came to visit me today.

Blind lady: Nice to meet you ladies

Mumbling guy: totally not sure what he said

Grandfather: (under his breath) This guy talks all the time. I don't know what the hell he is saying.

Bahahahahahahah. I mean just imagine it. Never in my life. Thats all I can say.

Then later, the mood of the day completely changed. My struggle lately is wanting to have friends close by to talk to but not having any. Don't misunderstand I have friends, but living in Gainesville I have to spend the majority of my free time alone. I don't really have any friends here. So after my visit I was dreading going home and working on things.  But, I decided to call a friend to meet me and work on things together. We ended up at Waffle House talking for about four hours. Philosophizing over coffee and pecan waffles. This is what I got from the conversation:

God is simple. He is black and white, yet He is complex in His simplicity. We have choice when it comes to believing in him, and there are four options to believing in God: (A)There is a God and you believe in Him, (B)There is a God and you do not believe in Him, (C)There is not a God and you believe in Him, or (D)There is not a God and you don't believe in Him. I mean think about those options. It is mind blowing to me. Imagine yourself in each situation. Option B you are risking everything, option A you can lose nothing, option C you lose nothing, and option D gives you no reason for living. These conversations thrill me, challenge me, and enlighten me and I hope reading this does the same for you.