Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Today was a rough day. It was one of those days where you wake up in the morning and none of your clothes look good on, you feel ugly, and you can't seem to do anything right. This is how my day started, and it just continued to get worse from there. Instead of my mood improving I became more and more frustrated because of a series of events that just seemed to keep falling on me like dominoes. When it rains... it pours.... As I grow and mature I am beginning to see the validity in this saying. By the end of the work day I was crying, and not just tears, but the ugly cry. It wasn't any certain event, but it was the compilation of how I was feeling about myself and everything else that had happened. Although I was experiencing a breakdown, work continued and life kept moving despite the fact that all I wanted to do was go home and go back to bed. I do not know what God was trying to teach me out of this, but I do know I learned something. It may sound ridiculous, but I learned that I am not invincible. Sometimes I vainly think that nothing bad could ever happen to me, and today it did. I have been humbled.....
Monday, May 12, 2008
There is nothing more beautiful than a pretty box tied with ribbons and bows under a Christmas tree. It symbolizes love, friendship, sacrifice, and life wonderfully packaged as a gift. My life however is not a pretty box, but I spend my days trying to morph my thoughts, beliefs, looks, my entire life into that box. For some reason I feel like I need to do everything a certain way, look a certain way, feel a certain way, and act a certain way... my version of perfection. However, no matter how hard I try there is no part of my life that will fit the mold of the pretty box I hold in my mind. I am never ahead of my to-do list, I am not a model, I do not "feel" like I should, and I do not act the way I am suppose to. I am not normal. Then..... I wonder..... does the truth I have in my head about how I should be match the truth in my heart of who I actually am? I know it doesn't. I will never be 5'10, my house will never stay completely organized, and I will constantly do the things I do not want to do. Up until this exact moment I allowed these thoughts to consume my mind. But then I realized something. That is all they are... thoughts. Just stupid, useless, heartbreaking thoughts that hold my life in captivity. Its time to feast eternally on the living word, to take in the real truth of my life and not what I perceive myself to be, or hope that I will become. It is time to throw my pretty box with ribbon and bows away and replace it with the beaten and ugly hands of Grace.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Over the years these girls have grown to be sisters to me. I love them all dearly. I am beginning to come to the realization that they will not be around forever. Marriages, children, new jobs, mission trips, are all pulling us in different directions. It is a hard fact to face, and I often find myself avoiding the issue entirely. I just cannot imagine my life without them. I realize that God will bring new people into my life, but there is something about old friends. Seeing them is like going home after you have been away for a long time. They are familiar and they know me almost better than I know myself. Each one of them is amazingly unique and brings wonderful blessings to our group. We will always be friends, but it is different now. Girls nights are becoming fewer and fewer, and everyone seems to be moving on. I am moving forward as well, but my heart is still with them all. I miss them beyond words, and somedays I find myself yearning for their companionship. I think living alone has given me the chance to be more reflective about my life, and it also creates a sense of loneliness and longing for them, my girls, my friends, my sisters. Look at the picture into the eyes and hearts of each one and you might see my heart there. They are the ones that led me to Christ, challenged my spirit, and changed my life. It is because of them that I am who I am. They are a part of me and losing them requires me to lose a part of myself. This I am not ready for. I do not want to let go. What a harsh and cruel fact of life this is. I have known for a while this time would come, but it seems to soon. I guess now is the time for choices. Either hold on as tightly as I can, or let them go. Holding on right now seems like an impossible task, and letting them go is to painful. Maybe this decision will have to wait. It will have to wait for Megan's baby to arrive, for Lauren and Brooke to board the plane for Spain, for Ashley to become famous, for Liz to move away, and for all the rest to find new lives. Just thinking about this time brings a terrible sting to my eyes and an ache in my heart. Where do I go from here? What do I do?